Am I Doing Grief Wrong?

Put simply, no, you are not doing grief wrong.  In fact, there really isn’t a “right” way to do grief.  Grief is a very individual and personal experience and it does not conform to societal norms.  Instead of trying to make yourself follow other people’s grief experiences and expectations, you should focus on what is best for you.

What IS Best For Me?

Since most people normally experience acute grief only three or four times during their lives, this is a question I am asked quite often.  It can sometimes be difficult to determine what is expected and when.  However, this, in and of itself, is the issue.  You should not have to worry about what is expected, what is normal, what is the status quo.

The very fact that you feel you need to consider these things is a problem.  You need to remember that your grief is exactly that.  YOUR grief!

Grief Is a Compilation of Many Different Emotions

One thing you can be assured of is that grief will express itself through a large variety of emotions and behaviors.  Your emotions may differ dramatically from someone else’s.  Your behaviors may be the exact opposite.

It is important to note though that these emotions and behaviors are normal and useful. They help you to work through your grief.  They help you to sort through all the pain and heartbreak so you can begin to settle into your life again.

Moving Forward is Key

It has been determined that the average time for mourning is five to eight years.  However, depending upon the person, this time can be shorter or longer.  People process grief at varying paces.  Some process slowly and some process more quickly.  One is not better than the other.  You need to process at your own pace, in your own time.

The point at which processing grief is an issue is when forward progress is not being made. This can become a very real and significant problem.  Why?  Because, if you are not working through the emotions and behaviors associated with your grief, you may become “stuck” where you are.  Becoming stuck can cause all manner of emotional and physical issues, thereby magnifying your grief process.

In Summary

• There is no “right” way to grieve.
• You should not compare your grief with someone else’s.  Your grief is specific to you.
• Do not worry about what is expected, normal, or the status quo.
• Grief expresses itself through emotions and behaviors.
• Your grief should take as long as is necessary for you to recover from your loss.  Do not rush it.  Do not prolong it.
• Grief becomes an issue if you are not moving forward.
• Not moving forward in your grief can mean additional emotional and physical issues.

You should not follow a pre-set model of emotions and behaviors or a “standard” time frame for your grief.  Moving through your grief and not becoming stuck are the most important considerations.  There is no RIGHT way.  Do it YOUR way.

Keep looking up,

Melodee