What IS Grief and Why Does It Hurt So Bad?

I watched a short video, A Special Emotion¹, by Dr. Nicholas Christakis that I found on the website This Emotional Life. During this video, Dr. Christakis discussed the difference between grief and other emotions. He said:

“It’s a very special emotion, grief. It’s not sadness. It’s not anger. It’s not depression. It’s not unhappiness. It’s grief. It’s a thing unto itself. And, what’s also very special and interesting about grief is that it’s a rare emotion. People don’t experience grief every day or every month or every year. People experience grief once, twice, thrice, four times in their lives. But, the other amazing thing to me about grief is that of all the emotions grief is the most individual. I think that my anger is pretty much like your anger. And, I think that my happiness is pretty much like your happiness. But, I don’t think my grief is like your grief. Every grief is unique because it’s connected to a particular person, not a more commonplace type of experience.”

Also, grief is a more complicated emotion than the rest because it includes other emotions as a part of it and because several emotions can be in residence at any given time. In other words, to a certain degree, when you are angry, you are angry. When you are depressed, you are depressed. But, when you grieve, there are so many emotions tied to the grief that it is overwhelming. You can be sad, depressed, and lonely all at the same time. Or, you can be mad, conflicted, and fearful all at the same time. Grief does not follow any set pattern nor does it pander to societal norms. As stated earlier, it is a highly individual and personal experience.

Grief Hurts

I don’t think anyone would argue this point. Grief does hurt! It is painful in every conceivable manner!

You have lost someone you love dearly. Your loss and loneliness settle in and you can’t imagine a life without this person. Your dreams are shattered. Your life will never be the same again. There are sleepless nights. Your eating patterns are in total disarray. People are treating you differently. The world is not a place you want to venture out into. You are now labeled . . . a widow, a widower, the mother or father of a child who died, the remaining sibling, etc.

It hurts! It all hurts!

Into the Forest

Thankfully, most people recover from grief with time and help, in the form of family and friends and/or professional counseling or coaching. The most important thing is that you do not get “stuck” in your grief. This happens when someone is unable to see a way forward and grief becomes a constant and prolonged part of his or her life. You really cannot recover from grief unless you move forward through it to the other side.

It is like walking into a dense forest. Before you enter, it is sunny and bright. Then, you actually set foot under the canopy of tall trees and foliage, where the sunlight is blocked from view, making it dank and dark. It is almost as if the forest is pressing in on you and you know it is so very far to the clearing on the other side of the forest. You know that you must continue to walk because stopping means you will never be in the light again. You continue on through the forest and finally reach the clearing. As you step back into the light, you understand that your journey has changed you. You discover that you are stronger than you thought, more resilient than you would ever have imagined, and brave enough to face tomorrow.

Yes, grief hurts. But, with time and help, you can overcome the pain and boldly face the next chapter of your life.

If you would like to speak with me about how I can assist you through this painful time, please just reach out to me. I am here to help.

Keep looking up,

Melodee

¹ This Emotional Life, PBS Online; http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/video/special-emotion